Image by TypeJar Studio

Okay, I’ll admit that I’m a little nervous. I went through a divorce last year, and I’m only just now getting back onto the dating scene. I hope that we can just have a nice, relaxed, casual time together tonight and maybe get to know each other a little better. I also hope it’s okay that I brought these two life-sized wax Victorian dolls of twin toddler girls with me.

I’ll just pull over a couple of chairs so they can sit right here with us at the bar while we wait for our table. I’m a pretty serious antique…


  1. Residents of Houston can deposit their absentee ballots directly into Ted Cruz’s cowboy boots. You may have heard that they’re guarded at night by a rattlesnake that sleeps in a jar by his bed. Don’t be silly. It’s more of a snake-like creature that Cruz communicates with telepathically.
  2. Residents of San Antonio should bring their ballots to the basement of the Alamo.
  3. If you live in the basement of the Alamo, you should just bring your ballot upstairs.
  4. Please note that there is no basement in the Alamo.
  5. Ballots from the Alamo will be collected once daily and then shredded…


Regarding the maternity leave, will my family still be allotted our full weekly ration of lightly sweetened turnip mush?

Photo Credit: https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=1178809

Honestly, I’ve never even considered joining a cult before, but today I’ve driven down this secluded dirt road to your heavily armed compound on the outskirts of town to check out your ultra-religious sect for one reason and one reason only — because I’ve heard that this cult offers excellent maternity leave and great onsite daycare.

I first spoke with your outreach team while I was waiting for my luggage at the airport — Driel was super helpful by the way — and she explained that entry level work here involves growing, harvesting, and processing millet into a hallucinogenic drug…

Kathryn Baecht

Read more of Kathryn’s humor at https://www.mcsweeneys.net/authors/kathryn-baecht

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store